My Struggle.

While this blog was created to keep everyone posted on my thoughts/happenings as I spend my summer in Washington, I think it's important to bring a struggle to light so that healing may occur while I'm away. I'm praying that this time in Washington will refresh my spiritual life and bring lasting freedom, so I'm posting this with the hope that you - my friends and family - will keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

It is likely that you clicked on this tab because it is always so intriguing to see the struggles of other Christians after being kept secret for so long. As a Christian, I am not sure why it is so hard to come clean when it comes to expressing a struggle. It's awkward, difficult, and puts yourself out there... big time. There should be some kind of comfort and security in sharing our personal battles with other Christians, but unfortunately, it's scary as heck. We're worried about judgement and failure in the eyes of others, when the truth is that healing and growth can come from verbalizing and sharing what we're dealing with (I actually learned this in WA during a different visit) ; it creates an opportunity for prayer to work as a means of making an individual stronger, creating a solid community, and bringing a person away from their sin and closer to Christ.

All of this said to make me feel a little better about sharing my personal struggle, which isn't working, but I still feel like I should. Now setting procrastination aside (feel like I'm getting prepared to get thrown off a cliff or something)...

Food. That four-letter word is something that people consume as a form of energy, as a way to keep oneself going throughout the day. Developing countries struggle for such a luxury, but in America, we have an abundance. We have an incredible excess. We have TOO much. If everything that we had in our country alone was spread evenly throughout the whole world, everyone would have enough to survive.

This reality drives me nuts.

According to the Google dictionary, food is: "Any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth."

It's for nourishment.

Last I checked, cookies, poptarts, cheetos, and ramen noodles didn't have any real nutrition that would actually help us grow into healthy beings. This crap food (sorry for the language) is simply eaten for enjoyment. It's quite a waste of resources that could be used for something more nutritious and sustaining. But, of course, people want to make money these days, and health isn't a factor as long as people are making bank.

Stepping off the podium...

I'm just a girl who grew up in a society where this food exists. I grew up as a chubster, because those ramen noodles were kick-butt, and I was oblivious to the effects that they - along with other crap foods - were having on my body. After joining Committed to Kids in fourth grade, I became extremely aware of proper nutrition and exercise. I began to read food labels, watched my sugar intake, went on daily walks, and all that good stuff. I was desperate to lose weight as a mere nine-year-old. So I did.

I transferred from Holland Public to Holland Christian in sixth grade. It was the best decision for my spiritual-self, and possibly for my emotional and physically well-being, too (but I guess I'm not so sure because of the crazy pressure at HC for females to look perfect in order to be accepted). I was still kind of a chubster, but didn't really struggle with food. I slowly lost weight throughout middle school and was relatively comfortable by the time I got to high school.

I'm not exactly sure what did it, but I became crazy desperate to lose some poundage during my junior year. I do know that peer-pressure and the desire to be desirable was a part of it, but that was about it. When I got to my smallest point, I considered myself borderline-anorexic. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed it (apart from the name-calling of "bones", and such). I worked so hard to get to this point in my life, and I was finally proud. I didn't need anything else, but was finally content living life as your typical HC female student. After minor health complications, I went to the doctor, and she said I had to gain five pounds. That was a heck of a lot harder than it now seems. I was finally comfortable with who I was, and another person just had to go and ruin it for me. So I gained the five pounds, which turned into ten by my senior year. I felt pretty chunky all over again, but knew of the judgement I'd go through if I even attempted to lose the weight again. So I made myself content-ish.

Essentially, in the past two years, I've gone from one extreme to the other, and have thrown my whole health conscience out the window. At every meal, I just heard the name "bones" and the "you've gotta gain five pounds", blah, blah, blah. Being a people-pleaser, I believed them, so I started eating more. I thought I was finally standing on solid ground, but then I started working at Captain Sundae (epic fail) and gained the five pounds over and over and over and over again, hoping and praying for some approval which I never received. I'd like to blame this food issue on stress, my change in routine, my job, and being desensitized to the effects of crap food - which have all contributed - but it's truly just a result of my poor decisions in the past years and not enough reliance on God. It's become a vicious cycle worthy of hate, but I trust - every single day - that God is going to use this crazy brokenness of mine to make some kind of an impact on the lives of girls who are dealing with similar struggles.

If you've made it to this point, I thank you for bearing with me, and ask that you keep me in your prayers. I'm not proud of this struggle of mine, but it's real, and I know that there's other people struggling as well. It's truly embarrassing and sickening to admit, because it seems like something that would be so easy to control, but it really isn't. I continue to pray that God would give me the strength to get back to the place where I was a year ago so that I can be healthy and at peace with myself. I also pray that He will use me through the mess I've created to show His power, grace, and unfailing love to other girls who struggle with similar issues.

As of early September, 2013, I fully believe that I've been healed. I love myself for who I am, and that's what is going to make me healthy... Not the pills, drink mixes, or exercise DVDs I have boughten, pins I've posted on Pinterest, or weight goals I've tried to set. No matter how many times I watch Biggest Loser, or see Jillian Michaels on stage, I'm not going to change until I love the person God has made me to be.
And now I do (thank you, God), and can freely love myself and my body by caring about what I feed it and do with it. The motivation is greater than being "skinny" or beautiful in the eyes of the world. Now it's about health and how I can honor my God with my body.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20